Gender and Sexuality

Melanie Knight writes a provocative article about this little-talked about subject.

I was vey interested in the gender and sexuality workshop [because I think that this is a very important subject that we do not discuss openly and frequently. I applaud everyone who spoke as it was avery frank discussion and I very much applaud the man who said he wanted women to teach him.

Don’t be Afraid, Ask!

I think this is the crux of the argument. But it is not just up to women…. Men, when was the last time you asked a woman whether she would like a cuddle, or a massage? When was the last time you asked a woman what she likes for foreplay? And men, when was the last time that you gave a woman an orgasm? Do you know how to give a woman an orgasm? I am not going to answer those questions as I am a woman. But, I hope you will think about them and answer them honestly and maybe even consider taking up some of these suggestions. If you do not know how to, do not be afraid to ask your partner what she might like.

The Right to Sexual Pleasure

As women we have a lot more to do as well. How often have you been left unsatisfied, wondering what all the fuss is about with this ‘sex’ thing? Do you

find yourself making excuses as to why you do not want to have sex, or just praying that it will be over quickly? Have you ever experienced an orgasm? If you agree with a lot of these statements then maybe you need to do something about it. I liked one woman’s comment in the discussion that we ‘need to know our bodies!’ If you do not know your body or what you like then how do you expect your partner to please you? That means touching yourself where

it feels good and masturbating. I know some of you may have been taught that this is wrong or have beliefs that say it is wrong. But I do not believe it is. We are capable as human beings of pleasure and I do not believe it is wrong to want pleasure.

The one subject I do not remember hearing was about fantasising. We have wonderful brains that are capable of imagining all sorts of things. I do not think there is anything wrong with fantasising about what you would like someone to be doing to you. In fact, I think fantasising is very healthy.

Talk to Each Other

Once you know yourself a bit better then it is time to start seeing if you can get your partner to do some of the things that you would like him to do. This can be tricky as your partner might start wanting to know why you have suddenly come out with these ideas. As one person commented in the discussion, if a man wants to try new things then it is seen as ok, but if a woman does, the man wonders where she has been. If you feel comfortable talking to your partner, one way of tracking this is to ask if there is anything else you can do for him, obviously with the understanding that you can say no. By opening up the discussion you can then tell him what you would like him to do for you. In this way it does not become a blaming scenario. If you do not feel your partner will be open to a discussion then you can always try and gently coax him in the right direction.

But of course another comment that I thought was very valid from the discussion was that it is very difficult for women, if they work all day and into the night to then get the energy to want sex or be what their partners want them to be. So men, this is an appeal to you: if you are serious about wanting to be taught then time has to be set aside. Share some of the chores so that they can get done quicker. Sit your partner down, allow her to relax and ask her what she would like you to do. You may just find you are both happier people and you start to remember why you both got together in the first place. As discussed, sexuality does not just mean married people or couples. Any of these suggestions above also work for gay couples or single persons. As the facilitator pointed out, this includes older people too.

Respect

I wonder how many of you really understood how this could be applicable to a single person? As a single person myself I will try and explain what this means to me. Because I know myself well and know what I want from a partner, this means that I have confidence. I believe this gives me equality when looking for a partner and that I will be an equal with him and I would not accept anything less. I believe a lot of this comes from understanding my sexuality.

I also believe that if we respect each other ’s sexuality and give each other willingly what the other needs and wants in a relationship, then it will go a long way in helping both sexes feel equal. I believe that it could go a long way in stopping violence against women and rape. I also believe that the children produced from such a relationship will be happier and grow up to be stable, happy and gender sensitised adults.

Melanie Knight is from Britain, she is a volunteer   with

Khanya College.